They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When did angry sex become our thing?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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