im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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