Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
