This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
