I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
