My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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