So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
