Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
