hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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