i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
