When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
