She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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