before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
