my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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