I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
