That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
