The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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