you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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