I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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