can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
