Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
