It's like God shit irony all over that family
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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