seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
