Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
