So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
