Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
