did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
