I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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