Did you just see the Batmobile???
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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