forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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