the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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