My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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