I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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