i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
