You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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