There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
