The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
