I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
