you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
