My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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