1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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