those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
