I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
