The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
