Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
