I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
