just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
