Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I love you. Go after that dick
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