I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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