the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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